Yet He persists with us.
Thank God, literally. Because I wouldn't want to be walking this life road without His protection and grace. I simply wouldn't get very far.
I have just finished a book, once again gifted to me by grace, from a dear friend who apparently saw the book online and thought of me, having it posted right to my home ("why again Lord? I haven't been the friend to her that she deserved, yet still, grace....) - and it has brought both challenge and joy to my heart.
"Somewhere More Holy" by Tony Woodlief. Tony also has a blog I visited this morning, and I know I'll be back. :) Challenge - that I need to be more authentically ME in my writing. Forget any signs of false perfection in my blogging friends, for what you will be receiving (I hope) is honesty, the raw truth, and authentic, bare-souled me. For that is what I found in Tony's writing, and I so appreciated it! Joy - that I can see this parenting season, while my little ones are little, as more precious than I have ever seen it before. I got that from Tony too. He and his wife Celeste lost a child, see - so their perspective, their life experience, is somewhat different to mine. A little girl whom they lost to cancer - and what that did to Tony, his relationship with God and with his wife and the whole of humanity. Four little boys followed that little girl. He too has been shown grace in the wake of tragedy and sin (his own). Get hold of the book and read it, I insist. ;)
So, a blog overhaul is about to occur. It will still be me, yes, but a more honest me. A less "must make my blog look as beautiful as possible" me. I hope you'll still visit.
Please read my revised "about me" profile bit. If you're a new reader..... well, it tells you a bit about what's going on for me right now. If you're an old bloggy friend.... well, you know how much I love you all and I hope and trust you will hang in here with me through this life season I'm in. I used to think so much about me was defined by the choices I make - babywearing, homebirthing, homeschooling, country living, cloth nappy using, etc. etc. And yes, our choices do define us to a degree. But guess what? I was then, and am still, Saminda. I no longer homeschool and my marriage has broken down. But here inside, I am still me. I still cry, and laugh, and sleep, and eat, and love my children so much it hurts, and cook meals for them, and read, and sing, and blog.
I reached a point sometime last year where I was just plain exhausted. Like, really really exhausted. And I got sick, and spent numerous hours in hospital, and had tests, and was told I had a minor condition with my heart for which I needed medication and some lifestyle changes. A few months later, our children were enrolled in the local Christian school. And now, I find myself here. Instead of looking out the window and seeing trees, I see houses. I can still hear the wind in the trees, and the birds whistling, but I hear cars too. Lots of them. I can walk with the children to town to visit the library, or friends. Or walk the other direction and you get to the parkland / lagoon / walking track. It's a different kind of nice.
I am getting used to this new "normal", for us. My children's own resilience and trust and acceptance of this both overwhelms and challenges my own thinking. They are, truly, amazing little people. They have this trust of us - their parents - and if we say this is the best thing for our family at the moment, and tell them it's an adventure, and that it's fun and exciting having two homes (and we have done all of that, and more - we have never conveyed this change as a 'tragedy' to them) - than that's what they believe. And they are amazingly settled and at peace with it all.
I worry about them, and all of this, which I suppose is natural. But alongside my worry there is sunshine and children's giggles and music and friends popping over often and walks in the mornings and cosy dinners together at night.
God's grace abounds. I thank Him. And I thank you (in advance) for your acceptance of me. Writing is a release for me, and I look forward to doing more of it and being the most authentic me I can be.