Some Sad News

I'll keep this brief as I really don't know where to start, or what to say.

So I'll just say it.

If you are a new reader you may not know..... but long-term readers will know that Stuart and I have had very rocky periods during our marriage. 3 years ago I even left him for a week, needing space to think and process some issues we were having.

Things have never really improved. New issues developed. Old ones stuck around.

And now? We have reached a low low point.

We have separated.

Stuart is still living here, for the time being. We sleep in separate rooms, and are living as independent people. We share the care of the children, though I am still their primary care-giver. Once our house sells we will have some big decisions to make. We will most likely choose to rent separately while we both undergo counselling (I start this week), think and pray and just be separate people for awhile.

I don't know what else to say. This is why I haven't been blogging lately. I find it difficult to be authentic on here sometimes.... I feel like I'll lose readers if I'm just 'myself'. Yet that is what I long for - to be honest and authentic in my life.

The children are fine at the moment - though they are quite oblivious to what is going on. They are still perceptive though, and their behaviour indicates they know something is up - they're just not sure what. I'm dreading telling them we won't all be living together. Please pray for them?

I am looking to get back into the field I worked in before my children were born - disability services. I'll just look for two days work, for the days William is already in kindy. I don't want to put him in care any more than that. He's still so little. 3 years old in just 9 days...

Stuart and I are both doing okay. I know this is the best option at this point - though it's still painful. I am surrounded by very supportive friends who are there for me day and night. I am blessed by them.

More to come. Maybe some photos of my children just being beautiful and enjoying life? Boy I love those children. Sigh.

9 Whole Years Ago

Memories of my sweet Nanna, the buzz, the excitement of getting ready to go to the church..

... his face when he first saw me walking down the aisle ;), that feeling of "oh my goodness we're married now!"...

... the string quartet, that first dance and thinking "he's mine, all mine.."...

... the exquisite cake, the laughter, family, friends, the quietness of the carriage ride, my little brother in his tie...

... photos by the bay, endless photos, smiling, joy, family together...

... We're Married!

It may have been 9 Whole Years Ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. :D

Happy Anniversary to my Darling Husband! xx

A break

I am writing from Brisbane.

I lay in bed for hours last night, mulling and thinking and praying and yes, crying.

I am tired. More than that, I'm exhausted.

So this morning the three children and I packed up the car and drove the three hours to Brisbane. We are staying with my Mum for a little while. I'm not sure how long. Maybe 3 days, maybe a week. Maybe longer. It's incredibly hard to be away, yet necessary I think, at this time.

Of course, according to the children we're on a great spontaneous holiday! They were wonderful today. They are happy.

For the next few days, I will just be with them. I will chat with my Mum, rest, pray and listen hard. I will browse the grand pile of books Cathy has sent with me. :)

And while I do all this I will miss my husband. And pray for him, every moment I can.

Sunday afternoon

It's a drizzly, windy Sunday afternoon.  We're still in March, yet it feels more like June.  It's chilly and a bit electric outside.  Great weather, especially when it's the weekend and you can take a little time out for some reading. :)

Brisbane author (I feel so proud, I too am a Brisbane girl!) and young Mum (huge respect, how does she find time to write such spectacular stories?!) Kate Morton has written a beautiful, mysterious, very very clever historical novel set partly in early 1900's London, cliffs at Cornwall, the wharf at Maryborough during early settlement (you know I now live in Maryborough so reading about the early history here was brilliant!), and Brisbane during the 1970's.......... all so interesting, and such a great novel!!  Full of mystery and romance and generational family saga.... but not overdone, just so gently, honestly written......... so clever the way the stories intertwine...... oh, that's it- I'm going to get off the computer now and keep reading!!  Just a hundred pages or so to go.  Track it down and read it, I highly recommend it!  Apparently her first novel The Shifting Fog is also excellent, and was an international bestseller.  This one is her second.

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On a side note, thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments below, and your prayers and encouragement.  

We are doing better.  We are talking, which is such a good start.  I'm going to be patient because I know this will be a process of healing and negotiating and working out how we can both do better, how to move forward.  This is so not one-sided; I need to make some adjustments too and be really honest with myself.  Never easy, but so worth it.  It's interesting to discover that no matter how much a couple can love each other, it's still easy to hurt one another and grow more distant as the years pass.  Easy to get caught up in life's pursuits, in careers, in friends, in the care of children.  

So good to be focusing on our togetherness again.  So important.  I'm handing this one over to Jesus this week; I'll be trusting, praying, listening, learning.

Any ideas???

Okay, my loyal bloggy friends, I have some questions for you and am begging for any answers / ideas / inspiration to help me!!!

The last few weeks have been a real blur for me.  The whole madness of the Wizard of Oz season, and now post-season, coupled with William's sudden weaning, my hormonal changes, subsequent emotional state, etc. etc. have raised all sorts of interesting issues and questions.  Funny that.

My mind has been plagued with questions regarding things I even struggle to put into words.  But I am so interested in getting some feedback on this that I will try!

So, the question put simply is this.  How do two people, once married and down the track of life a bit, find the balance between their own lives and identities and the responsibilities/ group identity of family life?  Does that make any sense?  Let me back-track.

I was 19 years old.  Stuart was 20.  We had just become engaged to be married, and over the next 2 years would do a great deal of thinking and planning (often on giant spreadsheets of paper!)  for our future together.  We were SO close, inseparable in fact.  Enthusiastic, dreamers, idealists! Our whole lives ahead of us!  If you read this post from last November, you'll already know things haven't gone quite to plan. :)  Some of the little disappointments and major failings have also lessoned our enthusiasm in general I think.

It's true that I leaned fiercely on Stu from day one, and *needed* his affirmation, love and affections more than was healthy; I have since given my heart to Jesus and now try to look to Him for these things- but I do still struggle in this area.  

Our engagement was just 9 years ago, but it feels like a lifetime.

I cannot believe how much having children has changed me.  I mean, really really changed me.  When Stuart said the other night, "Don't you remember what we used to be like?" I had to honestly answer "no, I don't!!"  I simply cannot remember who I was before Saraya's birth.  Is this normal?  

Stuart absolutely remembers, in fact, he is still very much the person he was all those years ago.  Yes, he's a youthful kind of guy, and yes, he's a prep teacher and thus a big kid in many ways and may never grow up, and yes, he's a man and they seem  more like "islands" to me than women who need to be connected to people and things...........  BUT, shouldn't I remember??  Shouldn't I still have a separate identity, see myself as valuable and worthy outside of my motherhood, see myself as a woman with a life and a future, have personal interests and pursuits, take time to develop the relationships with the women precious to me, ....... remember who I am?????  What do you think??

Also, I have always seen Stuart and I as a package.  You know, as one.

When I made any decision it was always in light of "us".  I never went through a single day or moment thinking of  myself as separate from him.  Or our children for that matter.

I've realised in the last month that Stuart doesn't see things that way. (I think..... I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog anymore but if you do Stu, feel free to verify/disagree/leave me a comment on all this rambling!, shed some light....) 

Stuart is Stuart.  He is his own person.  Sure, he has a family and I know he loves us.  He is often a wonderfully supportive, kind and generous husband.  He is considerate and helpful, and we have a polite, friendly relationship.

And I know deep down he loves our children very much.

But when it comes to the crunch, he is just Stuart.  Independent Stuart.  Prep teacher.  Funny guy.  The pied piper to the many children around us.  Lover of history and geography.  And now, like me, a lover of musical theatre. (forgive me Lord, I'm working through my emotions on that front.....)  And friend of many through the popularity of facebook. ;)

I have felt so alone, so confused over all this.  My head is always filled with the most mundane of things..... cooking, cleaning, washing, folding, baking, sorting, shopping, etc............ and the most serious of things........ mainstream schooling vs. homeschooling, a little girl with complex emtions, chickens who look sick (am I just paranoid after losing our last lot?), renovating on a budget, diet and nutrition, personal growth, my faith, etc etc.  I am desperate to share this all with Stuart.  And he will listen if I talk to him about these things, he is always willing to sit with a cup of tea in the evenings and hear me talk. (got to use up those extra 3000 words before bed, you know?!)   But in the deepest parts of my heart, I want him to want to know.  To want to know I am going.  How the children are going.  To be intimately connected to me, to them.  To really, really care. To be here.  Is this right? Wrong?  Normal? Unrealistic??? 

I am absolutely NOT criticising or putting down my husband.  As I have said, he is a wonderful person.  

I just feel over the last 9 years we have drifted.  Fragmented.  Become separate people.  Or maybe we were always separate people and I just didn't realise it.  Maybe we should be.  

I just never thought this would be a reality for us.

I can feel myself drifting from him.  Seeking out myself after being "lost" to my children and the domestic world for so many years.  In many ways I feel our relationship would be better for me finding myself again, being more independent, less needy, less naggy, more self-sufficient.  I am deliberately going to God about many things rather than to Stu, leaning on God more, seeing him as a support and Father to my children when I know Stu is wanting to be busy doing other things.  I know He is the ultimate Father and giver of help and wisdom.

I'm just concerned that in all this drifting, this letting go, this seeking of my independent self, and encouraging of Stuart's, we will grow further apart.  That we will become two separate, happy adults, with our own friends and interests and pursuits.  That we will be merely friends and housemates who happen to have three children to our names.  That the intimacy and deep love and dreaming and longing will be lost.

Please, help me!  Women out there- how do you see your husbands?  How do they see themselves in terms of the family unit?  How do you keep the union alive yet allow room for individuality, freedom and time to oneself?  Does anyone else feel we need more hours in the day? I know I do!  Weekdays are so full, and by the time evening comes around we both are exhausted!  I am longing for connection withStuart, and yet we both also seek time on the computer.... facebooking and blogging etc.  We both tend to retreat.  And yet we used to want to do so much more together.  The couple of hours of evening just disappear.

Please forgive this ramble- you know I do this every so often!  But please please please leave a comment if you have made it through this post- I am so interested to know what you all think!  I just want to do this right.

Thanks, 

Saminda.