Thursday, July 21, 2011

God's Grace. And Changes.

I sit here in this house, this gift of a house, on my gifted - borrowed - laptop from a dear friend, and I'm overwhelmed by Grace. Why Lord? Why do you care for us the way you do? We are so undeserving. I for one know I keep stuffing up. In my parenting. In the way I care (or rather, don't care) for others when I should. In my personal life.

Yet He persists with us.

Thank God, literally. Because I wouldn't want to be walking this life road without His protection and grace. I simply wouldn't get very far.

I have just finished a book, once again gifted to me by grace, from a dear friend who apparently saw the book online and thought of me, having it posted right to my home ("why again Lord? I haven't been the friend to her that she deserved, yet still, grace....) - and it has brought both challenge and joy to my heart.

"Somewhere More Holy" by Tony Woodlief. Tony also has a blog I visited this morning, and I know I'll be back. :) Challenge - that I need to be more authentically ME in my writing. Forget any signs of false perfection in my blogging friends, for what you will be receiving (I hope) is honesty, the raw truth, and authentic, bare-souled me. For that is what I found in Tony's writing, and I so appreciated it! Joy - that I can see this parenting season, while my little ones are little, as more precious than I have ever seen it before. I got that from Tony too. He and his wife Celeste lost a child, see - so their perspective, their life experience, is somewhat different to mine. A little girl whom they lost to cancer - and what that did to Tony, his relationship with God and with his wife and the whole of humanity. Four little boys followed that little girl. He too has been shown grace in the wake of tragedy and sin (his own). Get hold of the book and read it, I insist. ;)

So, a blog overhaul is about to occur. It will still be me, yes, but a more honest me. A less "must make my blog look as beautiful as possible" me. I hope you'll still visit.

Please read my revised "about me" profile bit. If you're a new reader..... well, it tells you a bit about what's going on for me right now. If you're an old bloggy friend.... well, you know how much I love you all and I hope and trust you will hang in here with me through this life season I'm in. I used to think so much about me was defined by the choices I make - babywearing, homebirthing, homeschooling, country living, cloth nappy using, etc. etc. And yes, our choices do define us to a degree. But guess what? I was then, and am still, Saminda. I no longer homeschool and my marriage has broken down. But here inside, I am still me. I still cry, and laugh, and sleep, and eat, and love my children so much it hurts, and cook meals for them, and read, and sing, and blog.

I reached a point sometime last year where I was just plain exhausted. Like, really really exhausted. And I got sick, and spent numerous hours in hospital, and had tests, and was told I had a minor condition with my heart for which I needed medication and some lifestyle changes. A few months later, our children were enrolled in the local Christian school. And now, I find myself here. Instead of looking out the window and seeing trees, I see houses. I can still hear the wind in the trees, and the birds whistling, but I hear cars too. Lots of them. I can walk with the children to town to visit the library, or friends. Or walk the other direction and you get to the parkland / lagoon / walking track. It's a different kind of nice.

I am getting used to this new "normal", for us. My children's own resilience and trust and acceptance of this both overwhelms and challenges my own thinking. They are, truly, amazing little people. They have this trust of us - their parents - and if we say this is the best thing for our family at the moment, and tell them it's an adventure, and that it's fun and exciting having two homes (and we have done all of that, and more - we have never conveyed this change as a 'tragedy' to them) - than that's what they believe. And they are amazingly settled and at peace with it all.

I worry about them, and all of this, which I suppose is natural. But alongside my worry there is sunshine and children's giggles and music and friends popping over often and walks in the mornings and cosy dinners together at night.

God's grace abounds. I thank Him. And I thank you (in advance) for your acceptance of me. Writing is a release for me, and I look forward to doing more of it and being the most authentic me I can be.


Renata said...

We still love you dear friend. I think being honest is so important in blogging (although I do have difficulty bearing my heart at times - even in real life). Please know that you are loved & that I have followed your journey through the last 3 years & will continue - because you are the same person - you are not defined by these things, but rather your faith in the Lord is shining through strong. I hope you have a wonderful week & thank you for being honest.
Love to you
Renata XO

AmFriend said...

I will continue to read and support you and look forward to learning about the authentic Saminda. Prayers and blessings to you in this time of transition. Hugs, A

Melanie said...

Dear Saminda,
I am a long time reader of your blog - I stumbled across it maybe 2years ago when looking at a friend's blog and following a link to you. I first started reading because I realised that you lived in the town where I spent much of my teen years. It was neat to see pictures of local events and hear about the markets, that were so familiar to me.

Why have I continued to read your blog? Because of your joy. Your joy and optimism shine through your blog entries, even in the most difficult of circumstance. I don't believe you have been anyone but who you are in your blog and anyway, everyone knows it is only a snippet of your life. It is a place where you can reflect on the stuff of life and choose to believe everything will be okay, because it will.

Looking forward to reading more about your adventures!


Ann at eightacresofeden said...

I knew you would be touched by Tony's book Saminda and what a sweet friend who sent it to you who also realized that you would be helped by his writing. It is one of the most beautiful, authentic books about God's love, grace and hope I have ever read. Did you cry and laugh out loud too? I cannot imagine going through what his family went through. God journeys with us and we know He is true to His Word. He never leaves us or forsakes us.
Endure sweet friend. Still journeying with you and praying for you and your family. I hope we will meet one day.

Amanda said...

I can so relate to your heart on this one Saminda. Looks like another book to add to my list. Bless you, glad things are settling and still looking forward to hearing all the news. Love, Amanda.

Smilie girl said...

I love reading the others comments and would agree with them. I like what Melanie shared. It can be difficult to share all areas of our life in such a public venue, but you have always come across as honest and faithful.
My continued love to you and your family through this time of change, beautiful lady.

Helen said...

Aaaah Min - there will be no mocking from here!!! I am so proud of you right now.
I too thank God for his mercy, love and grace - for without that, I am nothing.

Cassie said...

I'm not going anywhere. :)

Kimmie said...

Bless your sweet heart. May every path you walk down be flooded with His love, faithfulness and goodness. May all of Him show through to the world and may your little Light grow ever brighter before the world.

mama to 8
one homemade and 7 adopted

Heather said...

Saminda, I honestly have never gotten the impression that you were the least bit false on this blog. Because I'm also your friend on Facebook, I feel that I know the "real" you, and I believe that you've always represented yourself honestly. You don't owe your readers any more than you wish to share, and it's perfectly fine to keep parts of your life private. Those of us who genuinely care about you will still be here, no matter what. Love you!


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